I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
