I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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