I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
In America we eat man semen.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
My liver just had a heart attack.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
