Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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