people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
