I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
