My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
