Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
