you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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