They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
