Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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