i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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