I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I think pants incapable of making pants work
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
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