did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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