I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
