just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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