wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I looked at my own cervix.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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