She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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