if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize