I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
babies were throwing up all over the place
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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