No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i think i have two assholes
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
