Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
