So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
