He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
