So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
