Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize