Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize