I think im going to throw up on grandma
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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