No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
