Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
