i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
