No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
