Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
