Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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