so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize