i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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