some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
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