You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
