She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
The beer is more important than you right now.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
