the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
