Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
