i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
