My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
