Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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