I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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