Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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