Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
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