and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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