new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
