I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
