I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
