Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
