She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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