if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
