there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I want a musical about memes.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
