I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
