Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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