another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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